I think the session on releasing repressed emotions really kicked in the next day because I was triggered by something that was said to me and it just stabbed right through my core. I found myself sobbing away and realized that these emotions were still tucked away inside my body. They had come up before and I'd forgotten about them, but here they were again in full swing. Maybe some of you will be able to relate...I'm sure I'm not alone here. After 3.5 years of pretty constant treatments and now feeling finally stable, I had this strong emotion of 'not feeling good enough,' my body has been broken and it's still not good enough and not loveable. As strong surges of wavelike emotion kept pouring through me, I wrote, went for a short walk taking in the fresh air, followed along to some livestream Qigong (perfect timing!), and then arrived at day 9.
So the meditations were a welcome relief to my body and soul. On the second breathing meditation, I went off for what felt like a long time and then I remember feeling so incredibly peaceful and buoyant as I was reclining on my sofa, noticing the intense silence and then suddenly I had the thought of, 'I wonder when we're going to the chanting exercise, this feels like a long time?' I opened my eyes and saw that my computer had completely shut off. It doesn't do this. So I quickly managed to get back onto the zoom site in time to finish the worksheet.
In my breakout room one of the lovely ladies there said to me, 'it knew to turn off and give you this deeply peaceful experience, just what you needed.' I thought, exactly! I'm having some very interesting things happen this week as the energy builds from all of us meeting and sharing.
I'm very appreciative and full of gratitude for what all you amazing women have created for us and the people it's brought together. Very powerful!
Hey Leslie, that sounds just wonderful and as if you are allowing life to happen.
I share your experience that difficult topics and feelings come up when you are finally stable. in a way it makes you wonder "how can i feel this weak after mastering so much, after building so much strength?" and in a way it makes sense that things come up when the acute state of going through treatment and everything else involved ends. only then is there space for certain issues. i try to imagine that some things patiently wait and when there is some space and energy to look at them they come up. even when it is hard, remember how strong you are. not feeling good enough or lovable is something a lot of people know, especially women but i think everyone can relate to it. maybe with todays spirit of social support ask a friend to talk with you, maybe there is some releasing and sharing to be done.
a year after my first diagnosis and months of very heavy chemo and a major surgery, i was normal weight and had lost 17 kg (maybe 40 pounds), i had finally healed a lot and i was through the worst and everything looked good. and just at that moment i fell into depression i would say. i was just so exhausted. all my energy was used up. and by getting better the stress of wanting to perform well and getting back to a normal life rose.
thinking back now makes me want to slow down and just take a breath. it is so important to give ourselves time. 3,5 years of treatment is very long. you are doing great with your walks, qi gong and meditations. remind yourself of how strong you are. you must have been doing a lot of things very right. it is ok to feel helpless, without orientation, sad or weak or whatever you are feeling, dear.
take good care, Moyra
Thank you so much for your kind words Moyra. It is comforting to hear of similar experiences in knowing that I"m not alone, especially the one around reaching levels of stability and then wham, in comes another emotional issue to deal with. I noticed this sequence happening to me over and over again. As I finally felt like I didn't have to fight for my life after the first year and recovering from pelvic radiation, I thought I could have the summer to relax and recover some energy. Then suddenly my marriage popped in front of me screaming out for attention. After dealing with a separation and trying to find my footing to recover and heal, back at work 60%, my employer of 7 years terminated my school counseling contract. In my heart, I knew I wasn't cut out for being in a school full time anymore so while it was really hard to digest, I knew it ultimately was the right thing for me. Everytime, I stabilized just enough, it was like the Universe or the Angels knew, time for the next event to clear out. It's been a ride and ultimately what I knew in my heart had to happen, I just didn't know how to go about it. Cancer showed me how!
Here's to trusting in a greater path of living in brighter light and love 💚
Thank you, Leslie, for sharing your experience, and for being so open and vulnerable about it. That takes courage. It seems that you are at a point in your life when everything that was not working any more, is closing its door on you. The Universe is pushing you to take a good look at both, what is still working and what is not. From what I hear from you, you are ready for it. You are ready to embrace the changes that needed to happen and find new and better ways of living your life. Sometimes, all it takes is a change in perception that shifts everything. Healing flows from there. As I said, I don't believe in coincidences in the Universe. The timing of this course was right for you because you are open now to deal with the difficult topics that it brought up for you. They needed to be looked at in order to be released. Then you can heal. Maybe the timing of the meditation yesterday was right for your too, so you could rest after releasing. And you were even granted an extended time in silence by "coincidental" shut down of the computer. Do you remember me talking about listening to the little signs? The Universe is communicating with us. All the time. The questions is if we are listening. I have a feeling you are choosing to listen. 💗
@Leslie Peake
First - thank you for sharing <3 I'm in LS2 but it let me share your comment today, and I'm very grateful.
Second - I laughed so hard at the computer shutting off - I have HAD this EXACT experience in such a parallel of things before that it made my heart go out to you in Joy to not feel alone - thank you <3 <3 <3
Third and probably most important - your comment, your feelings "my body has been broken and it's still not good enough and not loveable" - I want to say something heartfelt about this, but the first thing that came to mind was "Think of Bread" - I have been here with this feeling - to be honest, more times lately than I wish - One of my ... myriad of hobbies is to "bake" - its stifled now often due to all the foods I'm endeavoring to avoid lol for this journey to health I'm on - but I will share, I loved loved loved baking bread - but there is a thing with bread - it's a labor of love, and it starts raw as ingredients, and then you have to beat it up over and over again, beat it up over and over again, and it really looks pretty horrible just before you bake it into one of the the most divine things in the universe. Just know you're a work in progress, you don't have to be perfect, you ARE enough by virtue of being alive - that's enough - you are growing and learning, and YOU will bake yourself into something divine. I believe it of you, you can to! Hope springs eternal <3